During
the past 1 ½ years I have been on a more serious journey with my health. Well, let me start from the beginning. On May
1, 2002 my dad had a heart attack and it rocked me hard! It triggered my
depression and my anxiety. I started to feel things I had never really felt
before and it scared me. I felt like I
had no control in my life, but there was one thing I could control and that was what
I ate. I loved food, and I always would
say that I could never starve myself because I loved food so much. But, then it
started, and I masked it by saying it was because I had high cholesterol, and I
needed to be stricter with what I ate.
Gradually it became more extreme, until I virtually lived off of
popsicles for an entire summer. I went
from being 165 pounds to 120 pounds in the matter of months. I looked like a
skeleton. People at work made comments about how if I lost any more weight I
would blow away. People were worried. My
brain had made a switch, and my reality was skewed. I would look in the mirror
and still see fat. I had co-dependence issues with my friends, I would be
sitting down feeling good, and then all of a sudden I would have this urgency
to leave and I would just have to leave the environment. I was going crazy! My
parents lived far away, and my mom was worried, so she had my uncle who is a
social worker come talk to me one evening. I am not sure if that was when I
decided to get help, but I went and talked with my bishop, and it was decided
that I would go see a counselor who specialized in eating disorders. I had an
eating disorder, I was anorexic. My counselor helped me so much, and to this
day she has a special place in my heart and words cannot express how much I
love and appreciate her. I got better
and learned to eat again, but what I have learned is, at least for me, is that
just because I was not starving myself anymore, I would always have an eating
disorder mentality—I would always be obsessed with food and how I looked. And
here starts my love-hate relationship with food.
Fast
forward 12 years.
Here’s
the thing, I don’t ever want to be as heavy as I was prior to May 1, 2002. It
is partly about the weight and how I look, I can’t lie, but it is also partly
because I was not healthy! I want to be
healthy. I don’t want to have a heart attack at 53… or sooner. Heart disease runs in my family and I would
like to do everything I can to prolong the inevitable. And, it feels awesome to feel healthy!!!!
I think about food, my weight, and exercise,
pretty much ALL the time. It is always on my mind. If I eat something that I
think is not the best for me, I instantly start thinking about when I can
exercise to work off what I just ate. Every single bite I take has the
potential of creating guilt inside me. See, I am now a guilty eater, and it is
taxing on the brain. I have an internal struggle every time I eat. Which
doesn’t help the fact that I am an over eater, which when I tell people that
most of them don't believe me. I recently was talking to my sister about this, and she had an
insight that I will always remember. She said that one thing she learned from
the few meetings of over eaters anonymous she attended was that not all
overeaters are fat. The ones that are not, have eating disorders…that's me!
So, over
the years I have tried many things to maintain my “healthy weight” and to allow
myself ease from the guilt that ensues with every bite. I have fluctuated in my weight over the past
12 years, between 10 to 15 lbs, but for the most part been able to maintain a
somewhat healthy weight. But, as I
stated before, my weight is not the only thing I care about. I want to be, and
I want to feel healthy.
Let’s go
back to where I started. During the past 1 ½ years I have been on a more
serious journey with my health, and I am still learning and still evolving. I have a dear friend who seriously teaches me
something new every.single.time we are in contact! She is amazing and is so
insightful. She has taught me through the years that we need to pay attention
and listen to our bodies. Our bodies are pretty amazing, and can tell us what
it needs and doesn’t need. I have been practicing listening to my body over the
years, and again, I am not perfect at it, but I work hard at it every day.
One
thing I have learned is that I am an all or nothing girl! Moderation in all
things does not work for me! Because of
my overeating tendencies, eating just a little of something is dangerous for
me. So, I am usually seen as an extremist. But others don’t live inside my
head, which is usually what happens when we judge others. We are judging based
on what we see, and let me tell you what we see usually is not the whole story.
Let me clarify. If someone you know is
being really strict with their eating and you see other symptoms, it probably
is a red flag and some deeper searching is probably needed, but that is just
it, deeper knowledge and understanding is needed.
So, let’s
not judge others who may eat differently than us. Instead let’s try to learn
more and understand one another. I have come to avoid social events, because
they usually revolve around food, and I feel that I am usually labeled as “weird”, “different”, or “extreme”, and it is not a good feeling. And, if I were to bring my own food,
I may be seen as someone who thinks I am too good or “better” than everyone
else. For me that is not the case. I don’t judge what others eat. Everyone
is on their own journey, and I am just living my journey and this is what I
have decided is the best for me, and as I evolve more in my journey, I may make
more changes. It has nothing to do with
anyone else but me.
So,
where am I at right now? I am trying to be a complete plant-based eater. I am
completely plant-based probably 85 -90% of the time. I would love to be 100%,
but I am still working at it. I am trying to learn that I need to stick to my
decisions, which can be really hard for me at times, especially when others
invite me to eating engagements. I usually have to turn down the invite, let
them know I don’t eat meat or dairy, or offer to bring something that I will
eat. So, most of the time I keep to
myself when it comes to eating, since it is still hard for me to eat nothing if
I go to some social gathering. I am
still learning on how to own my decisions and not worry about what others
think.
I am
still on a journey to be the healthiest person I can be, but there is one thing
I know for sure, and that is I will always stay a plant-based eater. I like the words of the author of the blog,
Healthy Girl’s Kitchen , www.healthygirlskitchen.com,
and I will end this post with them.
“So
why stay on this plant based diet of ours if the result isn't perfection? I'm
going to tell you why.
I
never feel one ounce of guilt after eating a Whole Foods Plant Based meal. Not
one tiny little regret. No reason to obsess about food all day long--I'm
nourished and full. I feel wonderful and energetic and amazing…”
“My
skin is beautiful and my poops are healthy (as a past sufferer of IBS, this is
NO small thing). I would never
give any of that up. Boobs or no boobs. That's why, no matter what the scale
says or how my clothes fit, I will remain WFPB.”
